Romeo and Juliet, Cleopatra and Mark Antony, Guinevere and Lancelot, history is replete with tragic tales of forbidden love. Fate would bring them together but circumstance would destroy them. However, there is one story of star crossed lovers so filled with compassion, carnal lust, and disgusting aromas that not even the gods themselves could separate them.
Our story begins in the humble swamp village of Mosswood. Trolls had eaten a number of townsfolk and adventurers had answered the villager’s cries for help. Among them were Sveta Knucklebone, a half-orc who had learned while growing up in the desolate wastes of the west that an offensive odor was just as effective at turning away a predator as an axe. Edge Sharpsword, an elf gladiator, who had won his freedom from the Hobgoblin arenas of Hirkona and Grishma, the mountainous half-giant priest of Kord. However, this story is not about how the heroes saved Mosswood and suffocated the trolls. I suppose that last bit requires a quick explanation. While most adventurers know that trolls can be killed with fire, Sveta learned that she could suffocate the beasts with an arm pit choke hold that would send an Otyugh fleeing. Anyway, this story is about how an elf and a half-orc, who on a good day smelled of raw sewage, found happiness in one another’s loving embrace.
There are those among you that are probably thinking, “an elf and an orc? This must be a joke!” While skepticism is normally not unwarranted your humble story teller assures you that their love was real.
Our tale begins after the battles were won and the suffocation complete. Edge had just received a severe head wound from a berserking troll and was unconscious. Sveta was cradling his head in her lap while her sweaty hands stroked his hair. Then it happened, Edge came out of his coma and his eyes met hers. It was a magical moment that remains unparalleled in the annals of love affairs. Like a sticky wad of melted marshmallow Edge peeled his head from Sveta’s greasy thighs. Sveta batted her eyes and grinned a yellow toothy smile. Edged rubbed his head wound and sniffed his sticky hand. At that moment spark, ember, and flame exploded and Sveta knew they had to be together.
For the remainder of the river boat ride Sveta couldn’t stop thinking about Edge’s tight little apple bottom. She cared for his wounds taking every opportunity to rub her musk on his boyish elven body. Meanwhile Edge’s head wound dulled his previous aversion to her stench even if his eyes still burned. He just knew that Sveta was the lovely woman who cared for him while he was injured.
Sveta couldn’t contain herself, Edge had to be hers. She met with Grishma, Edge’s spiritual adviser, and told him of her intention to marry Edge. Grishma was truly elated at the thought of one of his followers finding true love! They decided the marriage would happen when they arrived back in Mosswood.
Coming into dock, Sveta grabbed Edge around the waist and pulled him close with a loud squish. They gazed deeply at each other and Sveta whispered the words that would forever change their lives, ”Will you marry me?” Edges eyes began to bubble and water from the caustic stench of Sveta’s breath. Of course these tears were much more than a painful reaction to Sveta’s lifestyle choice but rather they were tears of joy. “Yes…” Edge whispered, still rubbing his head wound.
With no time to lose Grishma decided that the ceremony would include aspects of both of the couple’s religions. First, the bride and groom would square off in a nuptial wresting match to honor Kord. Next, they would ceremoniously vomit in each other mouths to honor Bahgtru, the orc god of filth. The wrestling match was a stunner as their sweaty bodies tied up finally concluding with Edge pinning a grinning Sveta. As the vomiting began Edge tried to slip away but Sveta was ready for him delivering a full payload into his mouth. For Edge, the retort was involuntary.
Sveta couldn’t be a more radiant blushing bride but she wanted Edges love to be as strong as the moment they exchanged vomit for the rest of their lives. Fearing that their love could fade she paid a visit to Mistress Su’s herb shop and purchased a philter of love. After paying the nice lady she took the philter and gave it to Edge. Telling him it was the inn’s finest brew he drank it without question.
Today, their love couldn’t be stronger and the world awaits the day that Sveta and Edge have their first little Svedge.
Many thanks to my daughter for capturing the magical moment! Enjoy!